I started this blog as a simple post on a Facebook page for women. I had "left" the group yesterday, in spite of finding powerful friendships, insane giggles and an unbelievable spirit of sisterhood.
It's an observation, really, on who we are (or who I am) and
the patterns that I'm sure most of us have in our lives that add to our battle
to start loving ourselves again and treating ourselves with the respect we so
crave and owe to ourselves.
I think I was on the verge of feeling a little down and
needed to sort some things out in my head. As you may or may not know, I've
been doing quite a bit of house sitting, apart from my normal job. There's
quite a bit of upheaval but the major difference is that this was the first time that
I've house sat since starting my journey!
Added to which I had some weird health issue and didn't go to
gym for two weeks, which completely freaked me out! I just didn't have the
energy or the inclination, feeling ill will do that to us every time, right?
I think the tipping point came yesterday when, after a crazy
frantic morning of packing and tidying and working and cleaning the home I was
looking after and trying to get all my things home and then get to an
appointment which was miiiiiiles away and realising it was 1.30 pm and all I'd
had was an apple I popped in at the local Spar to buy something to eat and out
of sheer desperation bought a sandwich!
I bought brown bread, with tuna and mayo, but the point of
it is I DIDN'T LIKE THE PERSON I USED TO FEEL LIKE I WAS WHEN I USED TO GO
SHOPPING and I felt like that again. It wasn't a good feeling.. Does that make sense? Before I did the reboot, before I started this
incredible journey, I used to always feel so conspicuous when I went shopping.
If I bought chocolate, whether it was for me (diabetic) or my son I'd
feel like everyone in the shop was looking at me thinking, what a pig, no
wonder she looks the way she does! I realised how much I've loved the last two
months, I LOVE walking into the supermarket now and buying fresh food. I love
buying weird tea! I love finding a shop that has a whole Nature's Choice
section! Even if I don't buy anything there, I still like looking at it and
pretending I'm oh-so-knowledgeable about all these very esoteric products.
"Jerusalem Toffees? Delicious dahling, if a little chewy... ah yes, the
humble sunflower seed, quite delicious, you know, but TERRIBLY fattening I
believe... " ;) You get my point...
Anyhoo, so after I bought the dreaded sarmie, I drove like a
lunatic to get home and throw all my stuff in the house.... opened the sarmie
while I was racing out again and took a bite.... first mouthful... chicken
bone!!!! Well, if ever I've needed confirmation (or affirmation) that the path
I'm choosing is far superior to the one I've thus far been following, that was
it! Nothing says "OMG what are you putting in your mouth???" quite like a chicken
bone in a tuna sandwich!
I closed it up immediately and carried on with all the stuff
I had to do, came home and realised that I was at a crucial part of the
journey. I was getting to the point where going back to gym was VITAL as I was
starting to think it was too daunting a task! I was more nervous of going back
than I had been of starting! I wasn't happy with the way I felt about myself.
There was no pride. I was afraid. And I was ashamed. Reading all of my friends' posts about overcoming their challenges and hurdles
made me feel like I wasn't only letting myself down, but them too. I
wasn't out of control yet, but it was close!
Anyway, I had a BRILLIANT night's sleep and woke up feeling
amazing! Ready for action and like my old self. Then I got on the scale and
found that, even though there were a couple of "slip ups" I've still
lost 1.3kgs in the week that I was away!
Well, I can tell you that there is no greater motivation
than that for me! It made me realise that I need to tread cautiously, however,
and realise that really, I'm like an addict in many ways and my path towards
health and happiness and WELLNESS needs to be constantly monitored. There is no
room for complacence.
And so I phoned the call centre for my gym and upgraded my
membership to a premier grade. I can now go to whichever branch I like, wherever I am! I
no longer have to limit myself. I strongly believe that that extra R45 per
month will pay for itself over and over and over again. My son is going to join
me and we can spend some time together getting healthy.
I am now so much better equipped to guide him nutritionally
AND with regard to his exercising. That means the world to me.
And, in closing, I went to gym this evening. I hit my
beloved Pilates class and felt the hugest sense of peace washing over me as we
started. It was my reward, the endorphin rush come early. I felt good.
I know I will probably have moments again where I waver, and
doubt myself, and fall down. I'm human. I'm 42. I've been doing the wrong thing
for 13 years. But I will pick myself back up and carry on. Because this is my
road. And I love it. <3
